How To Write A Captivating First Message For Online Dating

In the world of online dating, an interesting first message increases your chance of getting a reply. It doesn't mean you have to spend hours carefully curating each message, but it does mean you should put in a bit of effort, especially if you truly wish to get to know that person.

To someone who is used to receiving a barrage of generic, impersonal messages, a genuine display of interest with a personal touch can feel like a breath of fresh air. In this article we will discuss the framework of how to write a captivating first message.

Avoid Sending Generic Messages (Like: "Hey. How's It Going?") 

If you want your first message to stand out, avoid sending anything short and meaningless. The most obvious example is "hey" or "how's it going?". Senders of these messages probably imagine that casting a wide net will ensure that they end up with at least a couple bites; that logic likely works better for ocean fishing than it does for finding mates on Plenty of Fish.

A short, thoughtless message such as this is a red flag to the recipient, who has likely already received numerous similar messages and probably ignores them or blocks the sender. If you really want to get to know someone, then, remember that sending out a few quality messages will always produce better results than firing off a large quantity of uninspired texts.

Avoid Copy/Paste And Boilerplate Messages

A message of "hey, you seem interesting, we have lots in common, let's chat" is barely a step above "hey". You might hope those few extra words make you look genuinely interested, but most recipients can see right through this and will realize that you copied and pasted this to every potential mate without reading their profiles.

Messages like these are obvious lazy attempts to get a reply. Most recipients will ignore these as well, since, just like "hey" messages, they're all too common in the online dating scene.

Use Their Name In Your Introduction 

Using the person's name in your first message will show that you actually looked at their profile. This will give your message a bit of a personal touch and appear more meaningful. Calling someone by their name is the politest way to address someone. It builds trust and respect.

Mention A Common Interest Or Something Unique From Their Profile

Taking a few minutes to browse someone's dating profile will give you an insight into who the person is and if you might be compatible with them. A well-written profile will have information about the person's likes/dislikes, hobbies, and interests. This can be used to develop a message that shows true interest. 

If you are both into sports, asking about their favourite team or athlete can be a great way to open up a conversation. If you both like the same team, you can ask when they became a fan or if they've been following the current season.

You may want to start with a broad topic before cinching down into the nuanced bits to avoid sounding like a snob or a gatekeeper. This also allows the other person to move the conversation wherever they feel comfortable and to ask you questions or opinions.

If you want to increase the amount of messages you get on dating websites, check out our article How To Create An Irresistible Online Dating Profile for great tips.

Be Playful 

Your first message shouldn't come across like a job interview or a resume. Instead, it should be fun and a tad flirty (but not overbearing). Psychology Today has an entire article on the science of humour and how it relates to flirting and relationships.

Basically, if you can make the other person laugh, it shows that you may possess skills like creativity and outside-the-box thinking, which many people find attractive.

Avoid one-liners, puns, and jokes that may be offensive. A self-deprecating joke or a silly, witty remark about a common interest can spark a conversation.

Keep Your Message Short And To The Point 

Keeping your messages short and simple will increase your chances of getting a response. Imagine receiving a multi-paragraph message that just looks like a wall of text. Chances are, you may feel overwhelmed or just don't feel like reading it altogether. Into the trash bin it goes. Our attention spans are getting shorter; there's no doubt about that.

The person you are messaging may be waiting in line somewhere or just killing time. They probably don't have time to read a novel-sized message. Think of your message as an elevator pitch—short and to the point.

Ask Questions That Will Keep Them Talking (About Themselves) 

People love to talk about themselves, so be sure to ask questions that will keep the conversation going. Open-ended questions (ones that don't have just a yes/no answer) are great questions that can branch off into other avenues of conversation, where you can learn more about your potential love interest.

Be sure to avoid asking too many questions as this may come across as intrusive or feel like an interview. Keep it open, flowing, and fun. If the conversation dies, either ask them something else or move on. For ideas and tips on how to keep a conversation going, read our article 3 Simple Steps To Effective Small Talk.

Don't ask: vanilla or chocolate?

Ask: What's the worst pickup line you've ever gotten?

Don't Ask To Meet Right Away (But Don't Wait Too Long)

There's a delicate balance between landing a potential date and missing the opportunity because you waited too long. If you ask too soon, you may come across creepy and demanding, but waiting too long may allow someone else to swoop in. A study published by Cloudwards states that 28% of online dating users meet matches in person right away, 23% want some small talk, and 15% want to really get to know their match before meeting.

Establish a bit of trust and respect first and be sure to pay close attention to the conversation and how it's going. If it seems like there's a spark and the messages flow well, then ask for a date. If the recipient seems cold or provides only short answers, all bets are off.

TIP: In a world of catfishing and fake dating profiles, you may benefit from moving conversations to a social media platform or using an app where you can have a video or phone call, so you can verify that the other person is who they say they are.

Always Proofread Before Sending 

Even though all smart devices have built-in autocorrect features, it's still worth re-reading your message before sending to ensure that:

1. It makes sense (no rambling or long-winded paragraphs)

2. Names are spelled correctly;

3.You said everything you wanted to say.

Reread your message and see if there are sentences you can omit or compress, and that it flows. Sending a message full of grammar and spelling mistakes will make you appear less intelligent and will hurt your chances of receiving a reply.

A Simple Format For First Messages: 

Greeting (with their name)

Short introduction of yourself (with your name)

Mentioning a hobby or interest from their profile

Share thoughts on common interest OR ask about hobby/interest

Ask an open-ended question

Once You've Sent A Message, Be Patient 

After sending a message, you must remain patient. You may feel anxious while awaiting a reply, which may make you want to send them a follow-up message. Resist the urge to do this and instead wait. Some people may be very busy and don't check their messages as frequently as others, or they only use the dating app periodically. Give it some time. 

A good rule of thumb is to wait between 24 and 48 hours before moving on. Life can get in the way sometimes, or the recipient may want to construct the perfect reply, so don't be too impatient.

You May Never Get A Reply 

The harsh reality is that this person may never reply. You could spend a long time doing everything we explained in this article and creating the perfect first message, and still be left on read.

Sending another message to remind them that you are still interested may be tempting, but this will ultimately do more harm than good. Repeatedly pestering them for attention will make you look desperate and creepy. Instead, move on and let it go.

Summary

Your first message to a new person on a dating app needs to be engaging if you want to receive a reply. Show interest in the other person's life and let them know that you genuinely want to get to know them. Following the steps above won't guarantee a reply, but it will considerably increase your odds.

Did you enjoy this article? Learn something new? Share it with a friend and follow Esteemed Gentleman on social media to stay up to date with new articles and posts!

Links:

Facebook

Instagram

Don't forget to sign up below to stay up to date on new articles and reviews we publish!