3 Simple Steps To Effective Small Talk

Small talk can be difficult for people who suffer from anxiety or find it difficult to speak to other people on a regular basis. It takes a little bit of skill and emotional intelligence but with these three simple steps and a four-letter method, you can not only overcome your fears of speaking to others, but also develop stronger relationships with them.

Small Talk Step 1: Ask Intriguing Questions

Common conversation tropes are usually variations on "how's the weather?", "Did you watch the game last night?", or gossip. Asking better questions when dealing with small talk will always lead to better answers and exceptional conversations.

Tip: Avoid discussing touchy topics like finances, politics, religion, and sex. Talking about polarizing subjects may be intrusive if you don not have a strong relationship with the person you are speaking with.

A great way to have some small talk conversations with someone is to use the FORD method. FORD is an acronym for:

F – Family

O – Occupation

R – Recreation

D – Dreams

The topics in FORD are topics that most people will be more than happy to talk about. Most people love talking about themselves.

Some examples of using the FORD method are:

Family:

"Do you have a twin brother/sister? I swear I've seen you before"

"What does your mother/father do for a living?"

"Where did you grow up?"

Occupation:

"What do/did you do for work?" / "What do you do for a living?"

"Who are your biggest influences?"

"What made you decide to get into that field?"

Recreation:

"What do you do for fun?" / "What are your hobbies?"

"Where do you like to travel to?" / "Where have you travelled to?"

"What are your favourite books / movies / bands / games / sports / activities?"

Dreams:

"What is your dream job?"

"If you could travel to any period of time, which one would you choose?" / "If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?"

"What is your goal in life?" / "What do you feel is your calling?"

Avoid Asking "Why" And Personal Questions

"Why?" questions are often interpreted as judgmental, and can make the other person feel like they are being put on the spot and having their decisions questioned. Similarly, asking "are you sure?" can be taken the same way, even if it is not intentional. It's best to avoid asking these questions altogether.

Also, avoid personal questions like asking how much money someone makes at their job or when they plan on having children or getting married. Avoid gossiping about co-workers or mutual friends. Keep the conversation clean.

Do your best to ask open ended questions (questions that are not just a 'yes' or 'no' answer). Asking how someone felt or "then what happened?" is a great way to keep a conversation going.

Small Talk Step 2: Actively Listen To Their Answer

The second step to effective small talk is actively listening to what the other person has to say. Pay attention to their tone of voice and body language; this will indicate whether they are enjoying the conversation or not.

A great conversation is like a tennis match. The conversation is the ball. As long as it's in play, the game keeps going. Once the ball is out, the conversation can either start up again, or the game is over and that's the end.

If you don't quite understand what they said or would like further detail, it never hurts to say "tell me more" or "I don't know much about that, but it sounds interesting!" If it's something the person enjoys discussing, they'll be more than happy to keep talking about it.

Sometimes you may ask a question that just strikes a nerve with the other person. If this happens, and an honest apology wont suffice, our article A Simple Guide To Dealing With A*Holes, Bullies, Jerks, And Sleazeballs can help you avoid a potentially messy situation.

Pay Attention To Body Language

If they shy away from answering, avoid eye contact, or shift their body away from you, this is their cue to you that they are not interested in the conversation. Trying to dig deeper or forcing them to continue talking may cause them to completely stop talking, get aggressive, or walk away.

Your body language plays a key role as well. Keep your eyes focused on them, lean forward when they are speaking, and nod from time to time. Showing attentive body language shows the other person you care about what they have to say.

Small Talk Step 3: Pause Before Responding

Pause for a few seconds before responding. This gives the other person time to add to what they have to say, and also gives them a clue that you are listening to what they said and formulating an answer.

If you blurt out something right away, the other person may think you are not listening.

Once the person you are speaking with has given you an answer, you can decide where to lead the conversation. You can keep discussing the same subject, ask a specific question, change the subject, or stop the conversation altogether.

If the person you are speaking with asks you about your passions, don't bombard them with information. Start off easy and dive deeper if they show interest. If you are unsure what your passions are, or looking for some new ones, our article 11 Ways To Discover Your Passions offers tips and advice.

Tip: If you really want to show the other person you are open and trustworthy, share an embarrassing story (not too embarrassing, but something that you can laugh at in hindsight). By doing so, you are expressing to them that you're human and are prone to mistakes, but also that you can laugh at your mistakes and treat them as learning opportunities instead of a sign of weakness.

Another tip: Practice restraint when speaking about yourself. You may find yourself interesting, but if the person you're speaking to isn't interested in what you have to say, they may become bored and lose interest.

A good way to gauge the other person's interest is to give them bite-sized pieces of information that are easy to digest, then use your best judgement as to whether you should keep talking.

Summary

Small talk is a skill that requires practice and patience. Mastery doesn't happen overnight. Keep some questions and a story or two in your back pocket. Practice with friends, monologue to yourself, and cut down on rambles.

Practice your facial expressions in the mirror, and if you're feeling bold, strike up a conversation with a stranger on public transit or at the mall.

Want to develop more personal skills? Read these articles next:

• 10 Ways To Leave Your Comfort Zone

• 14 Ways To Develop Strong Character

• Become A Supercommunicator: Three Types Of Conversations You Need To Know

• How To Start Asking Better Questions

• What Is Authenticity? How Do I Become Authentic?

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