10 Ways To Quickly Build Rapport

Building rapport with new connections can be like a chess match: one small lapse of judgement can cost you the entire game. It doesn't have to be like that. Using the tips below you can create lasting impressions, form new relationships, build up established relationships, and strengthen your charisma and character in the process.

Whether you're meeting someone for the new time, reigniting an old friendship, or just trying to survive another company Christmas party, these tips will help you to stand out from the crowd and be more memorable.

Be Welcoming 

When you meet someone, whether it's for the first time or the millionth, always greet them with a sincere smile. If you are in a professional setting, a strong handshake and eye contact are important. 

Tell the person you are glad to meet them; it will make your time together feel more significant. If you have met the person before, say their name. If not, introduce yourself and your job title if appropriate.

When you give someone a warm welcome, they will feel more relaxed around you. This can make a big difference while on a date or during an important event like a job interview or meeting. A good first impression will leave others feeling positive about the entire encounter.

Every gentleman should be familiar with 3 essential and simple phrases. Read about them in the article Three Simple Phrases Every Modern Gentleman Should Know

Find A Common Interest

Finding a common interest with a person is like opening the door to their heart. People love talking about their passions, dreams, and interests. Start with broad subjects like sports, music, or even their career. 

Keep it light. No need to get into politics, religion, or money. (People have very strong opinions on these subjects, and if they don't share your views, they may not enjoy the conversation and may develop a negative opinion of you.)

As the conversation continues, ask open-ended questions. 'Who', 'what', 'where', 'when', and 'how' are great types of questions to ask. Stay away from 'why' questions as they may come across as judgmental and could cause the other person to become defensive. 

Be aware of your tone of voice when asking questions. You could come across as condescending or dismissive, which can turn the conversation into an argument quickly.

Remember Their Name(s) 

Dale Carnegie says the sweetest, most important sound a person can hear is their own name. Saying their name at the beginning and ends of the conversation can help create a bond with the other person.

A great way to remember someone's name is to associate them with a celebrity that shares the same name. Another way is to connect their name to a unique quality or a special interest they have. If Dave from accounting loves skinny dipping, create a mental bridge between those two thoughts. Don't think about it too much. 

For more tips on remembering names, read our article 16 Easy Ways To Help You Remember Names.

A Bit Of Eye Contact, But Don't Stare 

Eyes are the window to the soul, but you're not here to steal it. When you are speaking to or listening to someone, look into their eyes. A general guideline would be to maintain eye contact 60-70% of the time. Less and you look like you're not interested or you have something to hide (i.e. shifty eyed); more and they may be intimidated.

If you have trouble looking people in the eyes, look at their eyebrows or ears. It's close enough to their eyes that they won't be able to tell. Some cultures outside of the western world find eye contact to be rude, so be aware that not everyone will be open to eye contact. 

Be A Good Listener 

We all love to talk about our achievements, how we overcame adversity, and how interesting our lives are. Sometimes it's better to sit back and let someone else do the talking. People, in general, love to talk about themselves. When you attentively listen to what others have to say, you are creating a strong connection with that person. Also, be open to other views and be aware that everyone walks the road of life differently.

It may be difficult to avoid interjecting to build on the speaker's thoughts in the moment, but bite your tongue and wait your turn. Let the other person finish their thought before you speak. Constant interruption shows that you aren't listening but are instead waiting for your chance to speak. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. 

Build On Their Thoughts 

Building off the last point, when you listen closely to what the other person has to say, you can take that information and expand on it. If they talk about their favourite sports team, you can tell them about your own favourite team. If you share a similar dislike for something, let them know too. 

Avoid weaponizing the conversation. A gentleman never spreads gossip or intentionally says hurtful things.

When it is your turn to speak, summarize what the person just said to show you were paying attention. Build on the idea and add your own input. It is okay to disagree with someone, as long as you don't insult their view. 

Sometimes it's best to agree to disagree. This can provide a great chance to understand and ask questions about other perspectives. 

Body Language Is Key

If you slump your shoulders and cross your arms, you immediately show others that you would rather not engage with them. Instead, straighten your back, roll your shoulders a bit to broaden your chest, hold your head high (even slightly above level), and keep your arms to your sides. This shows others that you are confident, esteemed, and respectable.

Keep your phone away. A visible phone signals to others that you'd rather be with your screen than with them. This is commonly referred to as 'phubbing', and it can ruin relationships.

If you need to check the time, consider wearing a watch. If you are expecting a call, keep your phone on vibrate and let your conversation companions know in advance.

Be aware of your hands. Hands can be highly expressive, so don't keep them in your pockets. At the same time, if you tend to talk with your hands, try to keep them within shoulder width to avoid accidentally elbowing someone. Use your hands in moderation. Too little and you appear stiff and unengaged; too much and it looks like you're trying to fight ghosts.

When you speak with someone, you may pick up on their mannerisms and body language. This is normal. Psychologically, we tend to mimic our conversation partners as a form of connection and attraction. Mirroring someone's body language is an effective way to communicate nonverbally with them.

For tips on how to act, read How Does A Gentleman Act In The Modern World?

Don't Pretend To Be Someone You're Not 

Don't make up stories about yourself to sound interesting. It's a lot harder to remember details of a lie than it is to tell the truth. You may think your life is boring, but to someone else it may be thrilling. It's okay to advertise yourself and exaggerate a bit, but keep it realistic. If you love hiking, telling someone you reached the summit of Mount Everest in a day will raise eyebrows.

If you tell someone you are an expert in a subject, be prepared to back up your claim or you will look like a fool. It is okay to admit that you don't know something, so use that as a springboard to learn more. If the person you are speaking to is interested in the subject, they will be more than happy to share their knowledge and thoughts.

Make Them Laugh

A good joke can break the ice. Whether it's a witty one-liner or a snarky take on a current event, humour can be a great way of showing that you are open and attentive to the world around you. Self-deprecating humour can be used, in moderation, to show that you are able to admit when you are wrong and brush off criticisms. Don't over-do it, or you may give off the impression that you think too little of yourself.

Remember to be tasteful. Don't make fun of the person you are speaking to, especially how they look or how they talk. If you don't know the person that well, avoid polarizing topics like political or religious jokes and dark humour. Not everyone has the same sense of humour, so tread lightly until you know them better.

Dress With Intention 

When you look well-kept, people see you as more inviting. Psychological studies have proven that people who take care of their appearance are generally viewed as more intelligent than those who look sloppy. This doesn't mean wearing a three-piece suit all the time, but putting a bit of effort into your appearance will make you look and feel better. A simple upgrade like a polo rather than a t-shirt, or dark-wash rather than light-wash jeans, will make you look more alluring.

It's better to overdress for a situation than to underdress. You can remove layers if the event is more casual, but adding layers is impossible if the clothes are at home and you're not.

Next time you're out shopping for clothes, get your measurements. All tailors will be able to give you your basic measurements (collar, chest, sleeve length, waist, leg length inside and out). Armed with this information, you can purchase clothing that better complements your body type. Fit is king.

You can find more tips in our article How To Be A Well-Dressed Gentleman.

Bonus: Don't Overshare 

Sometimes we get excited when we talk about our interests, to the point where we don't realize that the other person isn't as interested or has become disengaged from the conversation. If you notice that the person you are speaking with isn't giving you their full attention, that's a sign to change the subject.

In the same vein, sometimes we can go overboard and verbally vomit, saying things that shouldn't be shared. Be aware of oversharing. This includes gossip (no matter how juicy), intimate thoughts, squabbles with others, drama, and personal issues. Unless you are extremely close with them, sharing that kind of information can be seen as unprofessional and could be used against you.

It's best to talk about topics you are comfortable with, and to say no if someone tries to pry information from you. No is a complete sentence. 

Summary:

Navigating today's social landscape can be difficult. Incorporating these tips into your interactions will help you to develop stronger relationships with others and to become more trustworthy. Developing these skills will benefit all areas of your life where you interact with other people.

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