14 Things You Should NOT Say In A First Online Dating Message

Sending your very first message to someone on a dating website or app can be daunting. If you mess it up, there's likely no second chance. Your message needs to be well thought out, interesting, and worth replying to.

With the popularity of online dating rising drastically in recent years, not only has the number of potential suitors risen but also the level of competition. In this article, we go over some basic don'ts you should be aware of when messaging someone for the first time.

Do Not Send Cookie Cutter / Boilerplate Messages

These messages are uninspired, generic, and boring. If you receive one of these, chances are you aren't the only one to get the same message from the same person within the last two minutes. These messages don't invoke any thought, but rather are copied and pasted into as many inboxes as possible in hopes of at least getting a nibble.

Examples of cookie-cutter/boilerplate messages:

• "You're the most cute/hot/beautiful person here"

• "I just read your profile. We have lots in common. Let's chat"

• "Just thought I'd say hi! Message me back if you wanna talk"

• "Can I ask you something?"

• "Hey! I like you. Read my profile and let's see if we connect" (More on this later in the article.)

You may be wondering how to reply to these messages if you are on the receiving end. First, remember that you aren't the only person to receive this message. There's no personal, emotional, or sentimental value to it.

You wouldn't be going against any etiquette rules if you just deleted it and/or blocked the sender. They won't notice.

Avoid Sending Long Resumé-Style Messages

We all love talking about ourselves. Sometimes we can't help going on about all our achievements and interests and all the things that make us special, especially if we are genuinely passionate about something.

Not everyone feels the same way about you or your interests, and most people wouldn't want to receive a message from a stranger droning on about an interest they don't share.

A resumé-style message is a lengthy note listing all the information the sender should have instead put in their profile. Typically, it includes a description of what the sender is looking for, their interests, personal information like height and/or weight, and sometimes pictures.

These types of messages, where the sender only talks about themselves, can come across as self-centered and don't leave much, if any, room to start a conversation. Instead, read the other person's profile and make note of their interests. If they share any of those interests with you, mention it and use that as your initial point of connection.

For instance, if you ask them what got them into a particular hobby or how long they've been involved with it, you might find that they're just as happy to talk about your shared interest as you are.

Don't Use Cheesy Pick-up Lines

The trope of cheesy pick-up lines has been around probably since the advent of dating and courtship. We've all heard them at one point or another; a terrible one-liner that makes you cringe and causes your eyes roll into the back of your head. Aside from providing a chuckle, they're usually met with disdain.

Cheesy pick-up lines tend to be uninspired or vulgar. Screenshots of these messages may even end up on a worst messages Reddit forum or elsewhere on the internet for others to laugh at. In a situation such as this, people aren't laughing with you; they're laughing at you.

Psychology Today published an article all about pick-up lines and why they can work, under the right circumstances. If you want to open with a pick-up line, give it some thought before sending it. Make sure you can follow it up with the same energy and suave if the person replies.

Don't Message Someone Asking Them To Read Your Profile

Messaging someone and saying "Read my profile and see if we match" is an extra lazy way to say "I didn't read your profile, so read mine and see if you're interested in me". Unless your profile picture is perfect or the recipient is incredibly bored, they won't be interested in looking at your profile unless there's a reason to (like sharing a common interest you mentioned in your message).

Nothing says "I'm lazy" more so than asking people to do the legwork you should be doing yourself if you're serious about finding a partner on a dating website.

Before even sending your first message, you should take a few minutes to read their profile and see if anything interests you. You'll know right away if there's any chemistry.

If you want to increase your chances at getting a message from someone, spend some extra time on your profile pictures. Our article 14 Tips For Creating Online Dating Profile Pictures will help you show off your best side.

NEVER Use Creepy Signoffs, Even If You Think You Are Being Flirty

Typical email etiquette often ends with the addition of a sign-off or signature. Saying something like "regards" or "sincerely" followed by your name is adequate in these situations. When it comes to dating websites and messages, most email and message formalities aren't required.

You can include your name at the end of the message, but adding a line like "seductively yours" can come across as incredibly creepy. Adding something like "Message me back if you're interested" can be seen as desperate or demanding.

Similarly, "If you aren't interested, don't message back" comes across as immature.

Don't Ask Someone How Long They Have Been On The Dating Website/App 

Some may think asking their match about their own dating app experiences is a great way to break the ice, but it could do more harm than good. The recipient may ponder why they've been wasting their time if they haven't found anything.

Some might find this question too personal, so it's one you should avoid asking up-front, especially in your first message.

If your match answers that they've been on the app for only a short time, some senders might wonder if this person is not serious, is seeking a rebound, or is promiscuous. If they've been on the app for a while, they could be viewed as picky.

Either way, from the point of view of your match, there's no assuredly safe answer to this question, so just avoid asking this altogether.

Don't Ask "Have You Met Anyone Yet?"

Like the last point, this question can be personal. Asking someone if they've met anyone on the website or app makes you look insecure and lack confidence. If they have had a few dates with people they met on the app, or they haven't met anyone yet, they may be concerned about being labelled as too picky.

This question can also be intrusive. Does it matter if they've had any past success on the dating site? And if they have, would they want to share their experiences? Some people may want to talk about their bad dates, but some may view it as creepy.

Small Talk Conversations That Don't Go Anywhere

Breaking the ice with someone you've never met, especially online, can be difficult. Asking simple questions can be one way to get a reply, but only if it's combined with other questions that resonate with the other person.

Asking questions like "do you like chocolate or vanilla?" or "Are you a dog person or a cat person?" isn't really doing much to the overall conversation or possible connection just by itself. Instead, ask deeper questions based off information in their profile.

If they mention that they're a dog person, ask what their favourite breed is. Show interest and keep asking questions on topics they want to talk about.

Having trouble holding a conversation in general? Our article 3 Simple Steps To Effective Small Talk will help you open up conversations like never before.

NEVER EVER Send D!ck Pics Or Ask For S*x 

This should go without saying. Don't be this person.

Avoid Creepy Compliments In Your Messages

Complimenting someone on their figure is a sure-fire way to get blocked or reported, especially if you use the wrong head to do the thinking and typing (guys, you know what I mean). They may have features that excite you, but that doesn't mean you should be saying how you'd love to push your face into them.

Compliments can be touchy for some, so if you are going to compliment someone on something, stick to features they can control like their hairstyle, a colour or style they're wearing, or something simple like their eye colour. Try to be original and make your genuine compliment stand out from the "your beautiful" messages likely clogging their inbox.

Don't Be Pushy Or Demanding If You Don't Get A Response Right Away

The expectation that a person must reply to every single message they receive is unrealistic. Life can get in the way, or the other person might simply not be interested.

Be patient; your match may have been busy, in which case they'll get back to you if they're interested. Otherwise, if the person you are messaging doesn't reply, don't message them again. Leaving multiple messages of "hey" or "???" in a short time period will most likely scare this person away.

NEVER Give Out Personal Information

If someone is asking for your phone number, or you put it in your first message, you are potentially asking for a world of trouble. Right now, you don't know who is on the other end of that message and how they could use your number. Save the personal stuff for when the two of you are comfortable with and trusting of each other.

Aura published an article with 11 scams you should be aware of when it comes to online dating. Every day, scammers become more creative. On dating websites, they can prey on desperate people looking for a connection. Know the signs and report them if you believe they aren't who they claim to be.

ALWAYS Proofread And Spell-Checking Your Message Before Sending

Sending a message full of spelling, grammar, punctuation, and word choice errors could be infuriating to the recipient. They'll either have tons of trouble finishing the run-on yammering gibberish goop of a message, or they'll give up partway through and just delete it.

Mistakes like these, and the ones in the next point, will make you seem unintelligent. Knowing the difference between "your" and "you're" is helpful in situations like this, especially if you are looking for a long-term relationship.

Always do a once-over before sending a message. Check for spelling and punctuation, and read it to yourself to ensure it flows properly. 

Remember – autocorrect isn't always carrot.

Avoid Overusing Emojis, 'Text Speech', And Slang In Your Messages

Emoji can be great to help express emotion in a text message. They're pretty self-explanatory, so there's no need to worry about someone misinterpreting a message. However, like spices, it's best to use them sparingly or it'll ruin the overall experience.

Text speak, abbreviations, and slang, like asking 'whut r u up 2?", is not only lazy but can be a major turn-off for some. In an age of keyboards, it's easier to type full words than text lingo like ye olden times when text messages were restricted to 160 characters or less and relied on a T9 keypad.

Remember: Rejection Is Part Of Life 

Even if you read through this list and did the exact opposite of all these mistakes, you may still end up getting rejected. Whether it was being ghosted, left on read, stood up on a date, or told that the potential relationship may not work, it never gets easier. Getting frustrated or angry is easy in these situations, but it's best to accept that it just wasn't meant to be.

Instead of letting it eat you from the inside, take a moment to reflect. Maybe you said something that irked the other person, maybe their life is headed in a different direction than yours, or maybe you need to work on yourself. Have patience with others and work on yourself when you can. The right person will come along when the time is right.

If you are on the road to self-improvement, consider reading some of our other articles geared at character building:

11 Ways To Discover Your Passions

Is A Gentleman Perfect?

3 Simple Phrases Every Modern Gentleman Should Know

How To Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

The Power Of A Sharply Dressed Gentleman

Summary

A first message someone receives should be something worth replying to. If they connect with what you've said, you have a stronger chance of getting a message back. Avoiding the blunders mentioned in this article will put you high above the other potential suitors who are unaware of the mistakes they could be making.

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