3 Simple Steps To Effective Small Talk

Whether we like it or not, at some point we will have to engage in small talk with someone. It could be a neighbour, a new employee, or a friend of a friend. Typically, within the first few moments from the start of the conversation, both parties can gauge if the other person is worth speaking to. These first impressions can play huge roles in the future, so it's best to start off on the right foot.

Small talk can be difficult for people who suffer from anxiety or find it difficult to speak to other people on a regular basis. It takes a little bit of skill and emotional intelligence but with these three simple steps and a four-letter method, you can not only overcome your fears of speaking to others, but also develop stronger relationships with them.

Step 1: Asking A Question

Common conversation tropes are usually variations on "how's the weather?", "Did you watch the game last night?", or gossip. These can be direct paths to a boring or confrontational conversation if the person you are speaking with isn't interested in any of those topics or has opposing views on the person you're gossiping about. Asking better questions will always lead to better answers and exceptional conversations.

Tip: Avoid discussing topics like finances, politics, religion, and sex as well. Those are polarizing subjects and may be intrusive if you don't have a strong relationship with the person you're speaking with.

A great way to have some small talk conversations with someone is to use the FORD method. FORD is an acronym for:

F – Family

O – Occupation

R – Recreation

D – Dreams

The topics in FORD are topics that most people will be more than happy to talk about. Most people love talking about themselves.

Some examples of using the FORD method are:

Family:

"Do you have a twin brother/sister? I swear I've seen you before"

"What does your mother/father do for a living?"

"Where did you grow up?"

Occupation:

"What do/did you do for work?" / "What do you do for a living?"

"Who are your biggest influences?"

"What made you decide to get into that field?"

Recreation:

"What do you do for fun?" / "What are your hobbies?"

"Where do you like to travel to?" / "Where have you travelled to?"

"What are your favourite books / movies / bands / games / sports / activities?"

Dreams:

"What is your dream job?"

"If you could travel to any period of time, which one would you choose?" / "If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?"

"What is your goal in life?" / "What do you feel is your calling?"

Avoid Asking "Why" And Personal Questions

"Why?" questions can seem judgmental, and can make the other person feel like they are being put on the spot and having their decisions questioned. Similarly, "are you sure?" can be taken the same way, even if it isn't intentional. It's best to avoid asking these questions altogether.

Also, avoid personal questions like asking how much money someone makes at their job or when they plan on having children or getting married, and avoid gossip about co-workers or mutual friends. Keep the conversation clean.

Do your best to ask open ended questions (questions that aren't a 'yes' or 'no' answer). Asking how someone felt or "then what happened?" is a great way to keep a conversation going.

Step 2: Get An Answer

The second important aspect to small talk is actively listening to what the other person has to say. Pay attention to their tone of voice and body language; these clearly indicate whether they enjoy the conversation or feel awkward.

A great conversation is like a tennis match. The conversation is the ball. As long as it's in play, the game keeps going. Once the ball is out, the conversation can either start up again, or the game is over and that's the end. The old saying "the ball's in their court" is a reference to this metaphor, meaning it's now the other person's turn.

If you don't quite understand what they said or would like further detail, it never hurts to say "tell me more" or "I don't know much about that, but it sounds interesting!" If it's something the person enjoys discussing, they'll be more than happy to keep talking about it.

Sometimes you may ask a question that just strikes a nerve with the other person. If this happens, and an honest apology wont suffice, our article A Simple Guide To Dealing With A*Holes, Bullies, Jerks, And Sleazeballs can help you avoid a potentially messy situation.

Pay Attention To Body Language

If they shy away from answering, avoid eye contact, or shift their body away from you, they aren't comfortable talking about that subject. This is your cue to change the subject. Trying to dig deeper or forcing them to continue talking may cause them to completely stop talking, get aggressive, or walk away.

Your body language plays a key role as well. Keep your eyes focused on them (or if they're showing you something, focus on that), lean forward a bit, and nod from time to time. Showing attentive body language shows the other person you care about what they have to say and you're interested.

Step 3: Your Response

It's best to wait a few seconds before responding. This pause gives the other person time to tack on another statement, and also gives a cue that you are listening to what they said and formulating an answer. If you blurt out something right away, it's a clear indication that you are not listening and instead just preparing your answer. If you're simply agreeing with the speaker or responding to a yes or no question, however, a pause is not required.

Once the person you're speaking to has given you an answer, you can decide where to lead the conversation. You can either keep discussing the same subject, ask a specific question, change the subject, or stop the conversation altogether. They may ask a question of their own, give their view on something, or request your opinion.

If you want to keep talking about the same subject and dig a bit deeper, you can ask a more personal question or inquire about a previous experience the person may have had. Or, you can add your own experiences and spice up the conversation.

If the person you're speaking to asks you about your passions, don't bombard them with information and jargon they may not understand. Start off easy and dive deeper if the other person shows interest. If you are unsure what your passions are, or looking for some new ones, our article 11 Ways To Discover Your Passions offers tips and advice.

Tip: If you really want to show the other person you are open and trustworthy, share an embarrassing story (not too embarrassing, but something that you can laugh at in hindsight). By doing so, you are expressing to them that you're human and are prone to mistakes, but also that you can laugh at your mistakes and treat them as learning opportunities instead of a sign of weakness.

Another tip: Practice restraint when speaking about yourself. You may find yourself interesting, but if the person you're speaking to isn't interested in what you have to say, they may become bored and lose interest. A good way to gauge the other person's interest is to give them bite-sized pieces of information that are easy to digest, then use your best judgement as to whether you should keep talking.

Summary

Small talk is a skill that requires practice and patience. Mastery doesn't happen overnight. Keep some questions and a story or two in your back pocket. Practice with friends, monologue to yourself, and cut down on rambles. Practice your facial expressions in the mirror, and if you're feeling bold, strike up a conversation with a stranger on public transit or at the mall.

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