Spotting Red Flags: Essential Tips For A Successful First Date

Red flags on a first date can be difficult to spot, especially when feelings of excitement (and nervousness) are brimming. This overflow of emotions can cause us to become oblivious to the negative traits our potential love interest may be possessing.

In this article, we will review 15 first date red flags you should watch out for if you want your first date to be a success:

Your Date Arrives Late

Arriving more than 20 minutes late to a first date without a valid reason means the date is over before it even began. If your date is nowhere to be seen after 20 minutes, then it is perfectly acceptable to leave. You do not need to let them know you left.

Being late, especially on a first date, may be a sign of habitual lateness. Although you made the effort to be at the location on time, your date may not think it is that important. They may think it is perfectly fine to arrive late, and that if you are actually interested in them, you will wait until they arrive, no matter how long it takes.

If your date contacts you ahead of time to inform you that they will be late due to circumstances out of their control (like weather, traffic, transit, etc.) then it is not a big deal. They made the effort to let you know instead of having you wait and wonder what happened to them.

If you are running late then we highly recommend letting your date know as soon as possible. For more tips on how to deal with lateness and what to do when you are running late, read our article Stress Free Solutions: How To Handle Running Late.

Your Date Makes Last Minute Changes Or Cancels The Date Altogether

Last-minute changes or completely cancelling a date for any reason other than an actual emergency or illness can be red flags. If this isn't the first time your date has done this, then it is most definitely a red flag.

Repeated cancellations, especially combined with poor excuses, is a sign that your date does not respect your time, efforts, or commitment. To them, this date is just a placeholder in their calendar until something better comes up.

Their lack of commitment can be a sign of poor planning skills, laziness, impulsive behaviour, or lack of interest in you. If they cancel a date and make no effort to reschedule, then pursuing anything further is not worth your time.

If your date cancels on short notice but apologizes and offers to reschedule, then give them the benefit of the doubt and try again. If it is a genuine cancellation they will likely explain the situation in detail. Use your best judgement (and BS-Meter) to gauge if they are telling the truth or not.

You Witness Your Date Treating Other People Badly

Disrespectful behaviours like talking down to others, using offensive language, and belittling people are all major red flags. Watch how your date treats the wait staff at a restaurant and how they speak about their friends and colleagues. Do they slander others behind their backs? Are they condescending?

If you find yourself at a coffee shop or restaurant on your first date, pay close attention to how your date treats the barista or server. Are they polite or brash? Do they speak calmly or in a harsh, demanding tone? If your date is disrespectful to people in the service industry, they may have a sense of entitlement or view people working those jobs as being below them.

If your date displays behaviour like this, it may be a sign of how they'll treat you after the initial excitement of the first few dates wears off. Trust your gut. If you think that your date may be abusive towards you, cut off all ties after the date.

If you want to know how to deal with disrespectful people in a polite way, read our article titled A Simple Guide To Dealing With A*Holes, Bullies, Jerks, and Sleazeballs. It is full of helpful tips and ideas on how to handle unbearable people, like a date who treats others poorly.

Your Date Easily Loses Their Temper 

If your date becomes exasperated at minor inconveniences like getting stuck behind slow walkers or having to wait a few extra minutes to be served at a restaurant, this may be a sign that they have emotional control issues or low frustration tolerance.

Excessive complaining, aggression, and pushing boundaries are all signs you should watch out for on a first date. If you feel uncomfortable, trust your gut. End the date and cut off all communication with them. Their inability to regulate their emotions could lead to emotional and/or physical abuse.

Your Dates Eyes Are Everywhere But On You 

Eye contact and attraction go hand in hand. The more eye contact you make with your date, the stronger the bond can be. If your date is constantly looking around the room, staring off into space, or on their phone, then they likely are not interested in you. They probably are not even paying attention to you while you talk to them.

While not everyone is comfortable making eye contact, especially on a first date, it is easy to tell if your date is avoiding eye contact because they are shy or because they are not interested. Someone who is shy may not make frequent eye contact, but they will engage in conversations, laugh, and show positive body language like having an open posture and mirroring you.

If you struggle with making eye contact with others, here are a few simple tricks you can start using right away:

• Practice with a mirror. Have small conversations with yourself and keep your eyes focused on your eyes in the mirror.

• Use a screen. While watching TV, movies, or YouTube, focus on people's eyes while they speak. This works best when the person speaking is facing the camera.

• Soften your gaze. Instead of staring into someone's eyes, focus on the bridge of their nose or between their eyebrows.

For more information on the importance of eye contact and some more helpful tips, check out this article by Calm.Com

Your Date Is Constantly On Their Phone 

It is good etiquette to put your phone away when you are in the company of others. If your date is constantly on their phone, checking messages, or even doomscrolling, they likely are not as interested in you as you are in them.

Occasionally checking messages is perfectly fine, especially if you are expecting an important message or phone call, but phones should remain out of sight if you want to truly connect with your date. If you are expecting an important message, let your date know so they don't feel offended when you have to answer a call or text.

Phone snubbing, also known as phubbing, is when someone chooses to focus their attention on their phone instead of on the people they are with. This can make people feel excluded, disconnected, and disrespected. Learn how phubbing can harm your relationships and what you can do to curb phubbing behaviour in our article What Is Phubbing?

Your Date Excuses Themselves From The Table Frequently

Going to the restroom or answering a phone call once or twice during a date should not be any cause for concern, but several times is an issue. Not only is this disrespectful, but it indicates that your date is not interested in getting to know you. To them, the date may be an excuse to try a new restaurant or to just get out of the house.

If your date excuses themselves for long periods of time, they may be sneaking off to the bathroom to check their phone. If they act differently when they return, this may be a sign of substance abuse like drugs or alcohol. No matter the reason, if you feel like the date isn't going well, cut it short. There is no obligation to stay at the table by yourself.

If you want to leave while your date is away from the table, gather your belongings and make your way to the host/hostess station. The host call your server over or print the bill themselves. Only pay for yourself. Your date can pay for their half when they get back to the table and realize you left.

Your Date Talks About Their Exes And Past Relationships Way Too Much 

If your date is constantly bringing up their exes and past relationships, it may signal that they are not ready to move on. They may have difficulties forming new relationships or trusting you enough to move the relationship to the next level.

Bringing up past relationships on a first date is acceptable if it is done in a constructive and positive way, like reflecting on how the relationship made you a better person or helped you discover a new passion or hobby.

Signs that your date is not over their past relationships include blaming their ex for their problems, talking negatively about them, comparing you to them, or calling them rude names, which we talk about more in the next point.

Your Date Calls All Of Their Exes "Crazy" Or "Psycho"

If your date refers to their exes as "crazy" or "psycho", it shows that they do not take any accountability or responsibility for their actions in their previous relationships. Having one ex-partner exhibiting signs of psychological instability is not uncommon, but if your date describes all of their exes this way, then the problem is likely them and not their exes.

Labeling all of their exes can signal emotional insecurity and immaturity. They may be unable or unwilling to realize that they contributed to the failure of their previous relationships.

Left unresolved, these issues will persist in future relationships through emotional invalidation, manipulation, gaslighting, hostility, blame shifting, and even physical abuse. This is a massive red flag and should be avoided by cutting off all communication as soon as possible.

Your Date Keeps Bringing Up Inappropriate Conversation Topics

Inappropriate conversations on a first date show a lack of respect for personal boundaries. This is not the time to bring up topics that focus on sexuality, trauma, negativity, or even gossip. Doing so can make the date uncomfortable or even lead to conflict.

First date conversations should revolve around getting to know the other person: asking about their lifestyle, career, what they do in their spare time, and future ambitions and goals. Our article First Date Mistakes: 5 Conversation Topics To Steer Clear From goes in to more detail on what types of conversations you should avoid if you want a second date.

Your Dates Conversations Constantly Revolve Around Them

A healthy conversation is one where both individuals are actively involved. The conversation goes back and forth, ideas and thoughts are shared, and a connection is made. If your date always steers the conversation back to themselves, no matter what is being discussed, they may have narcissistic tendencies.

If your date feels the need to constantly gloat, boast, or show off their accomplishments, they may be insecure. Insecure people feel the need for constant reassurance and external validation, and may show this by trying hard to impress others or by fishing for compliments.

Your Date Makes Backhanded Compliments 

Your date may make comments like "You're so amazing. How come you're still single?" or "You look pretty in this lighting" or even "You look good for your age". Be aware that these are not compliments; they are passive-aggressive insults disguised as compliments, also known as backhanded compliments.

Backhanded compliments are used to insult, discredit, humiliate, and offend, but in a subtle way that not everyone can immediately pick up on. People who use backhanded compliments often say them out of spite, jealousy, or as a coping mechanism to deal with their own insecurities.

Negging is a popular style of manipulation used by pickup artists. They use backhanded compliments to undermine someone's confidence, and then manipulate them into believing that they need the pickup artist's approval and validation to feel good about themselves.

For more information on negging, including how to recognize and respond to it, please refer to this article by Healthline.

Your Date Is Getting Way Too Sexual/Physical Too Quickly 

Physical attraction can lead to feelings of excitement and a craving for physical connection. A desire for intimate touch is normal; however, it should always be consensual. If your date is pressuring you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

Examples of being too sexual or physical include inappropriate touching, overly sexual comments or remarks (including texting), saying things like "we should go back to my place", or even pressuring you for a hug or kiss.

Saying "That is inappropriate, please stop" or "I am not comfortable discussing that with you right now" can put a stop to this rude behaviour. However, if they insist, end the date early and cut off all contact with them immediately.

Your Date Asks For Big Favours 

Asking for a big favour on a first date should be an immediate red flag. Even if the other person is genuine with their request, it can make the person being asked feel uncomfortable and as though they are obligated to say yes to the demand.

This puts the person being asked in an awkward situation where they may be viewed as a source of financial assistance or manual labour, or as though they are being pressured into doing something they do not want to do.

Some examples of big favours that could be asked on a first date include helping pay larger bills like rent or car payments, helping move, helping with renovations, or meeting at their house (or yours) for the first date.

If you are asked to do something you are not comfortable doing, remember that "no" is a complete sentence. You are not obligated to give them anything or to help them if you believe your own safety and integrity are at stake.

Your Date Lacks Basic Manners And Etiquette 

Basic manners and etiquette include saying "please" and "thank you", respecting personal space, keeping conversations at an appropriate volume, and resisting the urge to belch or pass gas when in the company of others.

People who do not practice even the most basic of manners or good etiquette may think that being polite is pretentious or that they do not need to be courteous unless they need something from someone.

Good manners should be practiced by everyone. A little bit of kindness goes a long way. Plus, practicing good manners and etiquette makes other people feel more comfortable around you, you will be respected more, and it can help boost the moods of those interacting with you.

Summary

If your date exhibits a single minor red flag trait that we outlined in this list, then there is no need to end the date completely. Chalk it up as an isolated gaffe due to a bad day or stress. However, if your date makes you feel uncomfortable at all, end the date and cut off all forms of communication. If you feel like your safety is at risk, contact authorities immediately.

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