Is Chivalry Dead? Advice and Tips

Is chivalry dead? It depends on who you ask. Some may argue that it's dead and gone while others will defend chivalry, protesting it has never left. But what is chivalry? 

Most people have heard the term chivalry before. Chivalry is usually associated with being polite to a woman—opening or holding doors, moving heavy items, assisting with putting her coat on, and so on. However, most people don't know that chivalry has quite the history, dating back to the late middle ages. Time for a short history lesson: 

A Brief History Lesson on Chivalry: 

In the days of knights on horseback, every honourable knight followed a set of guidelines dictating who they could attack, how they would interact with members of high society (typically the aristocratic families they fought for), and how they would treat their horses. 

Most knights were noblemen with extensive formal combat training, so these rules were a way of life. Their pay was exceptional and they could gain power and land by proving themselves on and off the battlefield. Expectations were high.

Eventually, the concept of chivalry evolved beyond the battlefield and found its way into other areas of society. The positive traits and behaviours associated with knighthood began to be taught to younger generations, and became known as courtesy.

Social conduct was a very valuable skill to have, and those in power wanted to ensure that their children were able to act properly in the presence of others, especially when it came time to pass on the family name.

Over the centuries, courtesy and chivalry became swept under the rug. While it was common to teach manners and politeness, chivalry wasn't romanticized in printed text until the 19^th century. Reading books about knights and heroes became a common pastime for those in well-to-do classes who could afford books. 

This is the origin of the common association between the idea of courtesy and knights in shining armour saving the damsel in distress. The recipe was quite simple: woman needs help, man helps her and sweeps her off her feet, and they ride into the sunset to live happily ever after. The end.

Chivalry Is Not Like The Movies 

While the fantasy of a perfect hero may be emotionally titillating, it is unrealistic in today's world (although Hollywood has been milking this idea for decades in films). No one is perfect; we all have our flaws, and that's okay.

A gentleman knows that there's always room to improve and strives to be the best he can be. He also knows that the modern definition of chivalry is to be polite to everyone, not just the beautiful woman that catches his eye.

Is Chivalry Actually Dead? 

The line "chivalry is dead" has been repeated ad nauseam, but it is not dead; it has just evolved to suit today's society. While the methods of courtship have changed over the years, so has the idea of chivalry. The intention of helping someone for the sake of being kind is still the same.

Chivalrous acts can sometimes be misconstrued as being about dominance, romantic gain, or a belief that the other person isn't strong enough to do a task on their own. These motives aren't what today's chivalry should be about.

You may be asking yourself "does any of this really matter anymore?" We answer that question in our articles Why Etiquette And Manners Matter In The Modern World and How Does A Gentleman Act In The Modern World?

The Truth About Chivalry Is… 

A true gentleman knows that he offers help to everyone. There's no magic punch card that guarantees you a reward if you help someone 10 times; you help them because you are a gentleman and that's what a true gentleman does. 

Even small things like holding doors, giving up your seat on the bus, or offering a hand to someone in need are all positive chivalrous traits. There's no price on courtesy, nor should there be any expectation of reward because you went out of your way to help someone.

There are three phrases that every gentleman should be comfortable saying to others. Learn about them in our article Three Simple Phrases Every Modern Gentleman Should Know

What To Do If Someone Refuses?

If someone refuses help, there's no need to make a scene. Simply apologize and move along. Some people may become offended that you offered to help them. They may not realize that you are doing it out of the kindness of your heart.

If this happens, instead of arguing, you can say something along the lines of "I do this for everyone out of habit" or "This is how I was raised—to help everyone". If they still don't see your intentions, the best thing to do is to just leave it and carry on about your day.

Other Types Of Chivalry 

Chivalry doesn't have to be expressed in actions. Simple things like practicing good etiquette, being an effective listener, offering advice when asked, and checking in on friends and loved ones to see how they're doing are all examples of chivalry. Sometimes just providing someone with encouragement can be seen as chivalry. 

Summary

At the end of the day, chivalry is still a code of conduct for how you present yourself. Be polite to everyone, offer a helping hand to those in need, and do your best to bestow a gentleman's mindset on those who cross your path.

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