What Is Phubbing And How Does It Affect Your Relationships?

Phubbing, a portmanteau word combining 'phone' and 'snubbing', is the act of shifting your attention from the person (or people) you're with to your phone or other digital device, giving your screen more attention than the people you are currently with at that moment.

Phubbing may seem harmless but it can ruin relationships with others, make those around you feel like they are not important, and can lead to divorce. It also has negative effects on the phubber including low self-esteem, increased anxiety, and increased loneliness. You may miss out on important once-in-a-lifetime moments with loved ones or miss crucial details regarding a major project at work.

Where Did The Term "Phubbing" Come From? 

Phubbing is a relatively new word that was created in 2012 by a group of language experts working for McCann Australia who teamed up with Macquarie Dictionary, Australia's go-to dictionary publisher. Within a year of the word's creation, the Stop Phubbing movement was launched. 

This helped spread awareness of phubbing and within 2 years, the term was mentioned by 750 news outlets across more than 180 countries, garnering 435 million PR impressions. Needless to say, this word caught on fast.

What Does Phubbing Look Like? 

Phubbing is defined as pulling out your phone during a conversation and paying more attention to it than to the company in your presence. The phubber will often disconnect from others around them and stop contributing altogether, giving their screen all the attention. 

Phubbing isn't just a physical action; if you shift your mental focus from the company you're with to your emails or social media, you're also phubbing.

Negative Effects Of Phubbing On Relationships

 

Emotionally Disconnected

If you are having a conversation with your loved one, pulling your phone out while talking to them shows them that your phone is as, if not more, important than they are in that present moment. To them, it shows that you don't really care what they're saying and you'd rather do something else. They may feel rejected and unimportant.

On the flip side, you may feel emotionally disconnected if your partner has their phone out while you're trying to talk to them. Even if it's just in their hand, you may feel like they are prioritizing their screen over you. Even just the presence of a phone can lead some people to think that it has more importance than they do.

Increased Frustration

If you are on the receiving end of phubbing, you may become frustrated that you have just been put second to a screen. A screen where people who aren't even present are more important than you at that moment. This may make you feel undervalued and unappreciated.

If you and your partner are working on improving your communication and phubbing is an issue, make a conscious effort to put the phone down. Putting the phone down followed by a positive affirmation like "you have my full attention" shows the other person you are consciously aware of them and want them to be heard and seen.

A Spiral Of Dissatisfaction

One of the best ways to have a fruitful and gratifying relationship with someone is to spend quality time face to face sharing experiences, learning about the other person, and building each other up. This can be almost impossible if one, or both, parties are more involved with their phones than they are with their partner. Over time, this can lead to a steady decrease in quality time, which in turn leads to relationship dissatisfaction.

There are times when it is okay to be looking at a screen: when you are ordering food, showing your partner a video, or reading a review of something that interests both of you, for instance. Even though you are looking at your phone, you are sharing the experience with your significant other.

Poor Mental Health

The rise of influencer culture across all platforms of social media has created an unrealistic standard of beauty and lifestyle choices. The endless amount of filters and editing can make even the drabbest of people look like Hollywood stars.

Overconsumption of this type of content can lead viewers to have unrealistic expectations for their life paths, their partners, and who they are as people. They may compare their lives and current relationships to those of influencers and celebrities, believing that they are incompetent, that they've wasted their lives, and that they'll never achieve a satisfying, fulfilling relationship.

Are You A Phubber? Here Are The Signs

Checking Your Phone Often

According to PC Magazine, in 2023, the average American checked their phone 144 times a day. Someone who is a chronic phubber likely checks their phone more often. If you suspect that you check their phone more than you should, consider installing a screen time or phone activity tracker. Most modern smartphones will have a phone activity tracker pre-installed, which can be activated in the phone's settings menu.

Mindless Scrolling

You tell yourself "just one more [video/reply/comment/like] then I'll go to bed." Next thing you know, it's been 3 hours, and you don't feel like you've accomplished anything. We crave the release of dopamine, so we spend hours searching for something novel, unexpected, or shocking that will supply us with that feel-good chemical.

This can easily spill over to video games as well. Just one more level or upgrade can easily turn into a time-consuming journey because developers have mastered the ability to keep people hooked. Once you reach the next level or upgrade it can be easy to convince yourself "just one more."

Bringing Your Phone With You Wherever You Go (Even The Bathroom)

Smartphones are designed to be taken pretty much everywhere. But have you ever caught yourself grabbing your phone when you're just going to the bathroom? Even if you are in and out in a minute, there's still a compulsive urge to grab your device just in case you miss a phone call or text.

It's great to be prepared, but the chances of a family emergency happening while you're away for a minute are slim to none. Even if you did miss an important call (unless it's life or death—then by all means bring your phone), you can always call the person back and explain you were in the bathroom. They will likely understand since they, too, may be trying to stop phubbing.

Checking Your Phone As Soon As You Wake Up

Most people who own smartphones use them as their alarm clocks, so the temptation to check your emails, social media, and messages first thing in the morning is high. If you have notifications on, you are quickly greeted by all you missed while you were sleeping.

This can lead to mindlessly scrolling instead of getting ready for the day. To avoid this, purchase a cheap alarm clock and put your phone out of reach, preferably across the room.

Pulling Your Phone Out As Soon As Company Leaves The Table

If your partner excuses themselves for a moment, resist the urge to reach for your phone. Although this seems like the perfect opportunity to check up on text and emails, you may end up becoming overly involved and not even noticing your partner's return.

Use this time to review the menu or check out the décor if you're seated in a restaurant. If you're at home, just relax, do some tidying up or small chores if you aren't at a table, or write a quick little love note on some stationery (it doesn't need to be fancy. Even an "I love you" on a post-it note hidden somewhere will brighten their day).

If you are at a function and you find yourself alone for a few minutes, go start a conversation with someone nearby. You never know who you may meet and what you may have in common with them.

If you must, a quick glance is fine, but do your best to keep your phone under the table and in your pocket.

How To Stop Yourself From Phubbing

Remind Yourself

If you are consciously aware of your phubbing habit, remind yourself each time you reach for your phone that you're trying to break the habit. Tell yourself that you want to focus on those around you and that the screen isn't as important as the physical world. Try to build stronger connections with those around you and challenge yourself to keep your phone out of sight and out of mind. 

Have your friends hold you accountable, too. If you're out with them and you needlessly pull out your phone, the next round of drinks is on you. Even if you mess up once, the financial risk is strong enough to deter you from doing it again.

Create No Phone Zones

Places like the dinner table, bedroom, office, or wherever you find yourself becoming distracted the most when you need to focus can easily be turned into no-phone zones. Creating a no-phone zone allows you to focus on family, friends, and other priorities mentioned in our article on How To Live A Simpler Life that will help decrease stress and increase happiness.

If you are currently studying or working on a project that requires intense focus and no distractions, consider using the Pomodoro Technique, a method of time boxing where you shift between deep focus and a reward.

Keep Your Phone Off The Table During Meals

Whether you're at home or dining out, it's good etiquette to keep mobile devices off the table from the moment you are seated until the bill is paid.

Some restaurants have incentives for phone-free dining: one restaurant in Italy offers guests free wine if you hand them your phone. Sometimes restaurants won't announce any incentives, but they may bring free drinks or food to a table they notice is phone-free. The Food Network is currently running a poll asking whether participants would ditch their phone for 10% off the entire bill, with an astounding 95% of people (at the time of this article being published) saying they would.

Keep Your Phone On Vibrate Or Silent

Keeping your phone on vibrate or silent eliminates the chances of hearing a loud notification ding during a conversation. An audible notification is disruptive and could cause you to instinctively reach into your pocket and pull your phone out.

If you are expecting an important call or message, let those around you know that you may need to step away for a moment. When you receive that call or message, excuse yourself from the table and go to a quiet place to take it. There's no need to announce your departure or explain the situation unless you feel you have to.

Turn Off Notifications

Practically every application on a smartphone has an option to turn off notifications. Sometimes they may be referred to as push notifications and can indicate a like or comment on your post, a new message, an email or news updates, or even just an update from a game trying to get you to play it again. Take advantage of this option by turning off push notifications in your phone's settings whenever possible.

Use 'Do Not Disturb' Or Turn Your Phone Off At A Specific Time

Newer smartphones have an option to block incoming notifications by turn on a 'do not disturb' feature after a specific time. Some models of smartphones will enable a second call from the same number within a certain time frame to go through, which can be useful if you are expecting an emergency call.

If your phone does not have a 'do not disturb' option, simply turning it off does the trick, although this will block everything, including emergency calls. Sometimes these 'do not disturb' settings will put your phone into a greyscale colour palate, making it less appealing to look at.

Go Screen Free For A Day

Going screen-free for a day has many benefits including improved work/life balance, better time management, reduced stress, and uninterrupted time with loved ones. Removing screens from your day reduces distractions and provides more time that you can spend with loved ones. It could also provide a perfect opportunity for a date that won't break the bank.

Websites like ScreenFree.org have many ideas and free resources you can use to create an enjoyable screen-free day. If you cannot go a full day without a screen, set up specific times at least once or twice a week where you can put your phone down for an extended period of time.

Take A Break From Social Media

Taking an occasional break from social media is healthy, whether it's for a few days, weeks, months, or even longer. Detaching from social media allows us to focus on the present and connect with those around us on a deeper level. We also avoid temptations like FOMO, doomscrolling, and making frivolous purchases.

There are multiple ways to take a break from social media, including purchasing and using a "dumb phone", using app blockers, or just deleting the apps off your phone altogether. Whichever method you choose, you will soon notice improved mental health, and lower stress and anxiety.

What To Do If You're Phubbed

Resist The Urge To Join

Whether you're with one other person or a group, resist the urge to pull out your phone if someone else does. Instead, start a conversation with someone else or politely remind the person who pulled their phone out that you were in the middle of a conversation.

Next time you're with a group of people, note how many people pull out their phones after one person does. It may not happen right away, but within a few minutes everyone at the table might be on their phones. If this happens, resist the urge to follow along.

It can be tempting, but if one person notices you aren't on their phone they may be inclined to put theirs away. This could have a ripple effect where the rest of the group starts putting their phones away and engaging in conversations again.

Pull Their Focus Off Their Phone

If you were talking to someone who decided to pull their phone out and phub you, politely pull their focus off their phone and back to you. If they were in the middle of telling a story, ask them to continue. If they were looking something up, once they have the answer, resume the conversation. If they don't engage or want to talk, don't force it.

If you want to continue a conversation with them, pull their attention in with an engaging point or thought-provoking question. If you aren't sure what to talk about, our article 3 Tips On How To Make Effective Small Talk has some suggestions you can always keep in your back pocket.

Make Them Aware They're Doing It

If the person phubbing you is your partner, close friend, or family member, you can politely tell them that you don't feel as important as their phone when they pull it out in the middle of a conversation. You can explain how it makes you feel and that you'd appreciate it if they stopped or were more aware of their habit.

If they realize they do it and plan to change, thank them for their understanding and cooperation. If they deny it or act like it doesn't matter, then you can choose to not converse with them in the future or make a rule that your conversation ends once they pull out their phone.

Give Them The Benefit Of The Doubt

It can be difficult to guess exactly what someone is going through. Someone at the table may have a family member in the hospital, be waiting to hear the results of a medical test, or need to take an important call. You may be tempted to ask why they check their phone so often, but avoid doing this should it be a sensitive issue they do not wish to discuss.

On a lighter note, we can be easily distracted by notifications on our phones even if we just want to check the time. It's happened to all of us at least once: we turn on our phone to look at the clock, become sidetracked by a notification, put our phone away, then pull it out again because we forgot to actually check the time.

Regardless of the reason, it's best to give the person the benefit of the doubt if they aren't a repeat phubber.

If you want to read more about cellphone and texting etiquette, here are two in-depth articles we highly recommend:

- 15 Simple And Easy Rules Of Texting Etiquette

- 18 Important Cellphone Rules And Etiquettes

Summary

Whether you're a phubber or a phubee, it's helpful to be aware of your screen time when you are around other people. Remember to be present in the moment and to let others know you are fully attentive and interested in what they have to say. Nothing will connect you more than a face-to-face conversation with someone you care about.

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