Who Pays On The First Date?

The age old question of who should pay on the first date doesn't have one singular answer. Depending on your date, they may expect you to pay, they may want to go Dutch (splitting the bill), or they may offer to pay. In this article, we will explore the different scenarios and how to approach them as a modern gentleman:

Who Pays On A First Date Scenario #1: The Man Pays 

Traditionally, the man has been expected to pay on the first date. While this idea is becoming less popular, a survey conducted by Money.com claims that 78% of participants still expect the man to pay for the first date.

The older generations may consider this to be a chivalrous act, but some modern women may view it as sexist or as suggesting that they can't afford the meal on their own. Still, a gentleman should always be prepared to pay for the meal regardless of whether he does end up paying. 

Being prepared with funds ensures that you and your date don't have to spend the rest of the evening scrubbing dishes in the kitchen to pay for your meals if your date's card has been declined or they don't have enough money on them.

Who Pays On A First Date Scenario #2: Whoever Initiated The Date Pays 

This is more common with subsequent dates, but it can be applied to the first date as well. If you offer to take someone out on a date, be prepared to pay. If they make the offer, they should be expected to pay. This doesn't always happen, so be sure to bring your wallet and some cash just in case. 

Inviting someone out implies that you are asking the other person to join you somewhere with the intention of paying for them. Think of it this way: if you invited someone over for dinner, would you expect them to buy the ingredients? Hopefully not. 

The same rule applies if you invite someone out for lunch, dinner, or a date. Among friends and larger parties, however, this rule doesn't apply. If friends are meeting up Friday night at the local pub for a pint, everyone is expected to pay their own bill.

In LGBTQ+ communities, this is quite common. A study by Match.com shows that 62% of people polled agree that whoever initiates the date should pay the bill. While we here at The Esteemed Gentleman are not part of that community, we support and respect those who are. We cannot speak for the community but would love to hear feedback from those who are part of it and what their thoughts are on the subject.

Who Pays On A First Date Scenario #3: Splitting The Bill 

Splitting the bill, or 'going Dutch', is common in todays dating scene. A sense of equality regarding the bill means that neither you nor your date should be pressured to pay the full amount. If the date didn't go well, at least you don't have to pay for their meal and drinks, and they most likely feel the same way toward you. 

There are a couple different approaches to splitting the bill:

• Splitting it right down the middle and paying an equal amount (safe if your orders are similar in price)

• You pay for what you ordered and they pay for theirs (that way no one is stuck paying for extra drinks or food they never had)

If you find yourself in a position where your date thinks you are going to pay for the meal and decides to order expensive food and drinks, you can mention well before the meal is over that you'd rather split the bill, or that they can pay for the expensive items themselves. 

The man should not be expected to pay an extravagant amount for a first date, and the date shouldn't take advantage of someone for a free meal.

Who Pays On A First Date Scenario #4: They Offer To Pay

If the bill lands on the table and your date says "don't worry about it, I'll pay", let them pay. Don't start arguing that you should pay or go halfsies. They have already made up their mind that they're going to pay. Let them be comfortable with their decision. 

Showing gratitude and saying something like "thank you for paying, I'll get the next one" is a polite way of letting them know that you enjoyed the date and softly inviting them for a second. 

If they offer to pay but cannot for reasons outside of their control (like a debit/credit card malfunction or not having enough cash on hand to pay the bill), simply pay yourself and avoid making a big deal out of it. They most likely feel embarrassed, so don't rub it in.

Who Pays On A First Date Scenario #5: e-Transfer, Venmo, And Other Digital Payment Methods 

If you go on a date and decide to split the bill, yet your date ends up paying for the entire bill, transfer them the money right away. While having cash on you is smart, paying with debit or credit cards has become more popular in our post-COVID world. 

Transferring funds to someone is easy, especially if you use banking apps. Once you have sent them the amount, let them know it's on the way and have them check their account to confirm they received it. 

If you pay the bill and they say they'll transfer you the money but don't do it by the time the date is over, simply send them a polite reminder the next day. Sometimes we can be forgetful, and on a date we have a myriad of thoughts and emotions flooding our brains. A gentle nudge can help remind the other person they still have an outstanding balance.

There may be a time where the other person says they'll pay you and either ignores you or puts it off far longer than they should. If this happens to you, decide if it's worth asking again and again or simply cutting ties and moving on. 

We can't say that everyone will have good intentions on dates, and these scenarios are few and far between, but it can happen.

Figure Out Who Will Be Paying, If Possible

Although paying the bill can be a tricky subject that not everyone wants to discuss, it's good to figure out who is paying early on in order to avoid arguments once the bill lands on the table. If you intend to pay, you don't have to say anything until the bill comes. If, at this time, the other person offers to pay their share or for the entire meal, let them.  

Deciding who pays doesn't have to be an awkward conversation. You could simply say "Don't worry about the bill, I'll pay" partway through dinner, or discuss it once you've both finished your meals. If they ask you to pay, don't be surprised or ask them why. 

A simple "Sure, I don't mind" is much better than accusing them of scoring a free meal or not having money to pay for dinner. They may be in a financial bind or have forgotten their wallet at home. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Gentlemanly Tips For First Dates:

• Always bring physical cash with you. You never know if the establishment's debit/credit machine will be down.

• Research the establishment ahead of time and get an idea of how much the meal will cost. A general rule of thumb is to find the median prices for appetizers, mains, desserts, and two drinks, multiply it by two, then add an extra 20 percent. This way you are prepared should the bill be more than what you expected.

• Always carry extra cash to pay for things like transit, parking, coat check, and a tip for the staff (when customary)

• When possible, reserve a table well in advance. If you show up last minute, you may end up waiting a while before being seated or having to find another place

• Never go beyond your budget. If you're trying to impress your date by going to a Michelin restaurant but fear you may go into debt after the first appetizer, consider going somewhere else. A first date can be something simple and cheap. But, please, avoid the movies. Why? Read our article Why Movies Are A Bad First Date - And Better First Date Ideas to find out

• Never use coupons on a date. This doesn't require further explanation

• It's better to dress up than to dress down. Shedding an extra layer is much easier than adding one should the restaurant have a dress code. This also means you can offer your sport coat or jacket to your date should the weather change and they become cold. Our article How Does A Gentleman Dress On A First Date will help you if you have any questions on first date attire.

• Should the service you receive at an establishment be below your expectations, handle it professionally. Don't make a scene or shout at the staff. Be polite, express your concerns clearly, and find a solution. Don't be the jerk that belittles the staff.

Did you enjoy this article? Learn something new? Share it with a friend and follow Esteemed Gentleman on social media to stay up to date with new articles and posts!

Links:

Facebook

Instagram

Don't forget to sign up below to stay up to date on new articles and reviews we publish!